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It’s an interesting question that is often posed to and by many AB/DLs and the most common and appropriate answer is “I like them.” but this doesn’t necessarily shed more light on the subject for the inquisitive. Therefore, I’ll attempt to answer the question in some detail.

First and foremost it is important to understand that motivation for wearing diapers is extremely personal and unique to each individual. For some diapers are a sexual fetish, for others they are a symbol of naivety and innocence and are anything but sexual, for others they are symbolic of a loss of control, and yet for others they are a necessity that one makes the best of. I’ll briefly discuss some of the interests as they relate to non-ABs/non-infantilists before delving into my own thoughts and feelings about the subject. Given that I’ll begin by discussing other people’s interests, that are not my own, I’d like to make it clear that I’m attempting to represent their interests as objectively and fairly as possible without first hand experience. (To remind readers of my own interest, I’m an AB, a little, innocent, and naive 2 year old baby with all the subtleties, nuances, and mindsets appropriate to that age.)

Diaper Lovers (DLs) are those who find pleasure in diapers but not engaging in age play or age regression. However there is a lot of variety within DLs, there are those who enjoy wearing diapers and may or may not enjoy using them (and even then there are those who enjoy only wetting, some who only enjoy messing, and some who enjoy both), those who enjoy other people wearing diapers (and preferring them to use them for #1, #2, both, or neither), those who enjoy cloth, cloth + plastic pants, various types of disposables, diapers that appear babyish, diapers that appear geriatric, and so on. Diaper Lovers tend to have specific tastes and limits and the diaper is an end in itself. For some the feeling of a diaper around them just feels wonderful perhaps in the way some people greatly enjoy the feeling of silk underpants. For others it’s like having any kind of fetish, seeing another person in diapers or wearing diapers just turns them on sexually. Some enjoy the freedom and ability to avoid having to use toilets and relish the feeling of using their diapers. Some are exhibitionist and enjoy wearing their diapers in public and have no problem standing in a checkout line with a big bag of diapers, while others are very shy and private about their interest and prefer to purchase diapers anonymously over the web and keep their interest a secret. In any case, diaper lovers appreciate the diaper itself independent of any other influences such as BDSM scenes, age play, or infantilism. Diapers can hold various kinds of significance in a DL’s life. For example diapers can be viewed as sexual objects, feelings of security, feelings of warmth and love, or the freedom and the ability to ‘go anywhere at anytime’. Some individuals have fetishes specifically towards urine and feces and diapers can play a role in those interests. While others focus on the loss of control.

Which leads us to those who use diapers as a part of power dynamics. There are individuals who enjoy being ‘forced into diapers’ as part of a submissive role in power play. There a segment of the BDSM community that uses diapers as a method of control in that a dom may force a sub into diapers. Sometimes the sub is forced to use the diapers and sit in them for extended periods of time, beg for a diaper change, or be otherwise humiliated in diapers. In this case the diapers signify a complete loss of control, even over their use of the toilet. There are various scenes that people enjoy playing out that may or may not include age play, sex, or other forms of punishment. In this case diapers are a prop in the scene that may or may not involve actual use.

Then there are those who are incontinent and have to wear diapers. When I first began hanging around ABDL circles back in the early 90s I was surprised to see how many incontinent individuals, who had little interest in age play, hung around those who did. I gather being incontinent is a difficult way to live and for those who enjoy diapers recreationally, the fantasy of being fully incontinent is quite common and highly discouraged by those who actually are incontinent. Incontinent people have explained that their incontinence is difficult and affects many facets of their lives ranging from the kind of jobs they would take to the kind of people they can date. However, I’ve learned that if one is incontinent, it’s nice to know other people who also use diapers as it provides a community to talk to about diapers and related issues such as rash prevention, lotions, ways to prevent leaks, how to tell others that one wears diapers, etc. For incontinent people diapers are a necessity although some incontinent people do enjoy finding ways to have fun with their diapers by engaging in recreational activities centered around diapers such as age play.

And finally we come to my own interest in diapers: they’re a necessity for wittle babies wike me. For me, enjoying my time as a 2yo is a fantastic time away from the rest of my life. A crude interpretation might be that it’s a small vacation in which I take on the mindset of my lil’self and enjoy the bliss and freedom of being a helpless, defenseless, vulnerable, naive, and innocent child. Another explanation might be, it’s a key and important part of me that sometimes needs to come out and play. However, part of taking on that mindset is shedding the trappings of my adult self including all the background processes and thoughts that are so ingrained in my being. To that extent diapers are necessary as they remove my need to attend to bodily signals and behaviors and allow me to ‘let go’ of, truly, everything. At that time I have no responsibilities or control whatsoever, not even over what my body does, it ceases to be mine to completely control and I let it do what it naturally wants to. Given this mindset diapers make perfect sense as they prevent things from getting unnecessarily wet. With this in mind, diapers also provide a feeling of security: I can let myself go and feel safe and secure. I don’t have to worry about ‘accidents’ or making someone else unhappy due to my lil’self’s incontinence. Further diapers provide a sense of warmth and softness around some of the most sensitive skin the body has. For me, being a baby is an entirely non-sexual experience. With that said the feelings of baby oil, powder, rash cream, baby wipes, etc on my diaper area does feel fantastic and the feeling of a fresh diaper is like none other. It’s a feeling of being clean, soft, secure, prepared, ready to do anything or nothing. The ritual of putting it on is an excellent trigger for age regression and gets me in the mindset of the little baby I am =). Diapers also provide an exceptional amount of bulk between the legs. They’re often large, extremely padded, and nicely snug: an opposite extreme compared to traditional underwear. They are also a baby’s item. They’re unique and special items that the world has created especially for babies and there’s something that just feels ‘right’ about having them as part of the experience.

Additionally, there is the shared experience of having a caretaker put on or change an AB’s diaper. This is an entirely new level of care that can be very meaningful to ABs. It’s presenting themselves in the most helpless and vulnerable state: naked, defenseless, dependent, and in need of help from someone else more capable and willing. Having someone participate in the diaper aspect of an AB’s experience can be very significant and rewarding. For the AB, it’s having someone take care of them in way that different than anything else in life. It’s having someone take an interest in being kind, nurturing, caring, and helpful to one’s esoteric interest in a non-sexual setting. It’s having someone carefully attend to one’s needs with the aim of making the AB clean and happy, asking little in return. This experience is perhaps the most sought after aspect of ABs.

Moreso than any other the desire to be changed by someone else runs deep in the AB psyche. In fact there are ‘professional babysitters’ who for a fee will change ABs diapers and there’s enough of them around that there’s obviously a strong market for it. Within the AB community there’s often discussion about this, and on the one hand many ABs are more comfortable paying for the experience and keeping their AB side anonymous while others strongly feel that unless the person changing them truly liked, cared for, or loved them it wouldn’t feel right and they wouldn’t want to do it. All debate about that aside, the main point to take away is that it’s almost archetypal among ABs to want to be changed by someone else. It fulfills and completes an often very important part of what that part of their psyche most desires.

It’s also important to note the experience of using a diaper. The feeling of simply ‘letting go’ and letting the diaper swell with liquid warmth is a magnificent feeling. The ability to just let things flow is absolutely awesome and when the infant mindset is entirely in place and it just happens without conscious effort: wetting can be almost euphoric. (Wilhem Stekel, a German psychiatrist posits that infantilists have the same regions of the brain that are usually triggered by orgasm instead triggered by urination/wetting their diapers. He further claims that the brain is wired this way during one’s infant years and ‘normal’ adults experience the change during puberty, while infantilists don’t. He hypothesized this may be responsible for the lower sex drive that he observed in infantilists.). The diaper allows the warmth of urine to be felt, but the absorbent material prevents the skin from getting wet. The diaper then takes on weight, changes color, and begins to sag a little as it is filled and the feeling of the diaper changes. It goes from a clean, snug, and light diaper to a warm, squishy, sagging diaper. These changing feeling are interesting and unique, some ABs don’t like having wet diapers on and find after an initial wetting the diaper doesn’t feel good anymore, whereas others enjoy staying in a thoroughly soaked diaper and will sometimes stuff their diapers with additional absorbent material called ’stuffers’ that allow them to go long periods of time between changes. Whatever the situation, there eventually comes a point when an AB is ready for a change.

Being changed can be quite symbolic. It can be a caretaker reaching out during various ‘diaper checks’ to see how wet the AB is and whether or not it’s time for a change. These checks show an active interest in the AB’s well being. Reminding ABs that they are, in fact, wearing diapers, often helps ABs feel little and like a baby. It’s often very welcome commentary as is reminding them why they are in diapers (and other baby items). Other welcome commentary includes attentive babysitters reminding ABs about their helpless and dependent situation using adult or baby talk. When the time comes to change the AB, telling them so clearly communicates a sense of kindness and prepares them to receive an affection they can’t experience in any other way. For me, it is a symbolic demonstration of the profound conviction that my lil’self is special and lovable. And that feeling permeates other aspects of my life, making me feel good about myself and others. Few things in life make me feel as loved as nice things done for my lil’side. It really is the highway to my heart.

That said, diapers can play all sorts of roles in people’s lives ranging from devices of control, objects of sexual fetishes, necessary garments for incontinence, to feelings of security and comfort afforded to innocent and naive infants. Hopefully this sheds some light on how and why people are interested in diapers and what the issues and ramifications behind those interests are. It’s important to remember that people may or may not enjoy using their diapers and for those that do they may enjoy doing different things in them. If one is interested in playing with others and diapers it’s important to discuss such things in advance so as not to cross anyone’s boundaries. Further, it’s a smart idea to ask what diapers mean to each individual so they can play in a compatible manner. Discussing how and when changing should occurs, preferences for things like oil, powder, lotion, rash cream, kind of diapers, stuffed animals to be played with and pacifiers to keep the baby quiet during the change, should there be music of any kind, where should the changes be done, etc will all contribute to a more enjoyable experience for all involved. It’s also smart to keep in mind that for some ABs, such as myself, there can be very high levels of emotion involved in having one’s diapers attended to.

–Lex

So someone you love has told you something about themselves that you may have or (more likely) did not expect. Your emotions may range from shock, confusion, distress, disgust, anger, curiosity, all of the above or anything in between. As long as AB/DLs have told others about this part of their life, they’ve received the entire gamut of reactions. So you are more than likely wondering what’s going through this person’s mind that would compel them to feel the way they do. You may be wondering if it was something you did, if someone else put these ideas into their head, or if something in their mind just went *snap*: this is quite common. So in order to better understand what has just happened I’ve attempted to explain the common elements and themes relevant to most AB/DLs coming out experiences.

First and foremost let’s get the scary stuff out in the open: This interest has nothing whatsoever to do with real children. These are not people who have any predatory or sexual interest in children. Modern society has a kneejerk reaction to crucify anyone who seems quirky or unusual who so much as mentions the word ‘child’ let alone has an interest that involves pretending to be one. AB/DLs do not want to be WITH babies, they want to BE babies (and in their own minds they are to varying extents). The AB/DL communities are very aware of issues surrounding pedophilia and as a whole virulently police and reject their circles for anyone who seems to have even the slightest leanings in that direction or is under the age of consent. Due to the capacity for confusion to ignorant, uninformed, and quick-to-act-without-thinking people, AB/DLs are extra vigilant about keeping anyone who even jokes about pedophilia out of their circles. So, if this was a concern of yours, put it wholly and entirely out of your mind. You couldn’t be further from the truth, and continuing to harbour these suspicions is counter-productive, unfair, and based in your own problems not the psyche of the person who just came out.

Now let’s define a few terms:
AB = Adult Baby, someone who enjoys role playing as a baby. For someone people is purely a recreational activity, and for others it allows them to explore aspects of themselves that are only available in this particular role. Adult babies can have set ‘baby ages’ often ranging from newborns (a few months old) to toddlers to kids. ABs tend to surround themselves with baby items, toys, and care supplies. They almost always tend to wear, and most often use, diapers (disposable and/or cloth), plastic pants, wear baby style pajamas, onesies (diaper shirts with snaps in the crotch), shirts with baby patterns on them, sleep with stuffed animals, baby blankets, suck on their thumbs or pacifiers, drink from baby bottles, enjoy baby books, movies, cartoons, and generally take on the mindset and surroundings appropriate to their baby age. ABs tend to take on the headspace of a baby and thus rarely have a sexual component to their play.

DL = Diaper Lover, someone who derives pleasure from wearing diapers. DLs may or may not have a sexual component to their diaper wearing. Some seek out others who enjoy wearing diapers, some enjoy using their diapers (or seeing others do so). Some find diapers to be a sexual turn on and others enjoy taking on a submissive persona during sexual play while wearing diapers, this is often associated with a preference for BDSM (Bondage and Discipline SadoMasochism), which I will not address as there is volumes of information about this topic elsewhere.) Diaper lovers tend to enjoy keeping their adult mindsets and have little interest in pretending to be children, however there are some exceptions. The DSMIV considers DLs to be Paraphalic Infantilists.

Furries = Those who enjoy pretending they are animals. One’s ‘fursona’ (persona as a furry) is the attitude/mindset of the animal they pretend to be. Some furries are adult furries acting as mature versions of the animal, while others are baby furs and are the baby version of said animal.

Infantilism = A catch all term for what it means to be an Adult Baby (AB). Infantilists are ABs and Infantilism is what ABs enjoy. Regressing back to their baby ages.

Regression = Taking on the mindset of a much younger age. This is what happens when an AB plays as a baby, they ‘regress’ to their baby age and take on all the attitudes, limits, and aspects of the age they pretend to be.

There are tens if not hundreds of thousands of ABs, DLs, and furries in the world. Some are very closeted about these aspects of their lives and keep all their pleasure and play under tight lock and key behind closed doors, while others participate in on and offline communities on a regular basis. There are large AB/DL and furry get togethers, where everyone arrives, and has the opportunity to play as they wish with like minded people. ABC (Adult Baby Club) is a place open to the public in London, England. There are Adult Baby hotels, where one can be treated entirely as an infant, sleep in a crib, have their diapers changed, etc. There are entire businesses dedicated to making products for AB/DLs and furries. The list goes on, but the important part is: You are not alone. You’re not the first person to hear someone say they are an AB/DL. Now, I recognize that may not make the news any easier to hear, but it is key to understand that your loved one is not alone, and neither are you.

I recognize your own mind and emotions are probably on overdrive and you may have little capacity for empathy right now, but if you can stretch yourself a little try to understand what just happened from the other person’s point of view. First let’s have a look at the circumstances under which they just told you what they did. They’ve known about this part for themselves for some time now. Few AB/DLs ever just ‘become interested’ overnight. It’s something they’ve always known about themselves, and a common question when two AB/DLs first meet is: When did you first know you were an AB/DL? For most it’s quite early in life, although there are others who weren’t able to qualify their feelings, urges, impulses into words until later in life. Nevertheless, most AB/DLs have kept that aspect of their life a secret for a long time. For many, they were uncertain if they would even really -like- exploring their interest in diapers, so they felt very awkward the first time they bought a package of diapers knowing they were going to wear them. They’re first few experiences likely came with feelings of joy as well as feelings of confusion, shame, embarrassment, fear of anyone finding out, and thus a compulsion to hide what they’d done. A very common patter among AB/DLs is the ‘binge and purge’ cycle, in which an AB/DL plays with their interest, enjoys it immensely, but when their play time is over, feels a sense of shame, embarrassment, panic that someone might know what they did, and uncertainty about whether they really want to do this again. It’s a hard place to be: they are trying to learn about themselves, but are deeply worried that anyone will find out they are experimenting and thus the project of learning about themselves becomes something to hide. A large number of people -do- experiment with diapers or AB/DL interests and realize it isn’t for them, lose interest, and never do it again. It’s akin to trying anything new, realizing you don’t care for it, and then not doing it again. However, for many AB/DL interests occupy some portion of their mind at a constant or semi-regular frequency, these are the people for whom their AB/DL interests are a significant part of their identity. Whoever just came out to you, has been through this discovery process. They were embarrassed about anyone finding out, they experimented with the AB/DL interests (likely) on several occasions, thought it far more than they experimented, and at this point understand that this is a key part of who they are. Now that isn’t to say they’re entirely comfortable with it, nor do they have all the answers to all the questions you (or anyone else) may have, but they’ve made an important discovery about themselves, and want to share it with those they care about. This is why they’ve shared it with you. But bear in mind, sharing it with you wasn’t easy for them. It may well have been the scariest thing they’ve ever done. Their heart was likely pounding, their thoughts were flying at an insane rate through their mind, they probably couldn’t communicate nearly as intelligently and succinctly as they would have liked, and they probably stumbled a long distance from the original wording they’d intended to use. They knew darn well, this was going to be a difficult project and they’d likely put a lot of thought into planning this moment, solicited help from others who have done it, and will likely share how it went with supportive members of the community. They likely read other people’s coming out stories, which ended in divorce, being kicked out of their parents’ house, losing a friend, having their trust abused and their interest told to everyone only to be humiliated and made fun of, and countless other stories about coming out that have gone wrong. They knew the risks of sharing this with you, but they believed that you loved them enough, and they trusted you enough to take this risk. If you can do it, try to remember that this was extremely difficult on the other person, and they may still be reeling from having told you. They may not sleep well, eat well, or handle other aspects of their life well until they are comfortable with how you’ve received this information about them. This was a very courageous thing for them to do, try to remember that.

Further, try to understand the psychological damage of closets. Imagine if you had to hide something about yourself that brought you great pleasure. Imagine if you felt that if your friends and family knew about it, they might well reject you completely. Imagine if you had to worry about being kicked out of your home, if your lover would divorce or leave you, if all your friends and strangers would laugh at you and make fun of you for the rest of your life if they knew about something you considered interesting and special about yourself. What if you just had urges and desires you were uncertain about, but kept coming into your head over and over again, even if you tried to get rid of them: urges and desires that brought you pleasure and didn’t harm anyone else? Would you have the courage to go to a store and buy a package of diapers and say “they’re for me” or would you be too embarrassed? What if you’d hidden your interest from everyone for a long time, but knew it was a very important part of who you were. Would -you- have the courage to tell those you loved about this part of yourself? Do you think they love -you- enough to accept it? Do -you- have the kind of friends in your life who you can count on under such circumstances? What do you think it would like to have a guilty pleasure that you were constantly worried someone might discover? To panic if someone looked in the back of your closet, to worry that any sign of your play time might be visible, to always be on the look out for anyone who might know too much, to live with that constant anxiety and worry is emotionally and mentally damaging. The psychological damage done from living in the closet is well documented and understood and it’s had terrible effects on a human’s mental and emotional makeup. So this person who just came out has summed the courage to take the risk that you are the kind of friend who loves them enough to be good to them and to know about this important part of their life. Were they right? Are you the person they’ve risked so much betting you are?

Although, as much as you’d like to think so, this event isn’t about -you-. It’s not. You might think it is, you might think this is some kind of ploy on their part to insert some kind of chaos into your life, but it not. You might think their coming out was some kind of stunt to see how you react, but it’s not. This isn’t about you, your life, your psyche, your anything. This is about them and your relationship. This is them taking a big risk to share a key part of themselves with you, because they love and trust you and they want you to be a part of their life at a core level. They don’t want to hide things from you, to lie to you or to keep you out of what’s important. They want to bring you into their life in deep and meaningful way.

It’s natural to wonder if they’ve been lying to you. They have hidden this part of themselves from you, perhaps even for some time now. That is hard to imagine or understand, that is difficult to trust them after this. If they’ve kept this from you, what else have they kept from you? Did they ever lie about this aspect of themselves? Ahh this is a hard one. This author doesn’t believe in lying under any circumstances to those one love and trusts, as it undermines the trust in the relationship. However, if your loved one has been in the process of discovery and has told you that they’ve learned that their AB/DL side is, in fact, a key part of their identity as soon as they’ve discovered it, it’s a very gray area. They did conceal the learning process from you, although the cost of sharing the fact that they were learning was very high and the payoff very low, whereas sharing something something definite still has a very high risk/cost but the payoff is potentially very high. It’s a difficult period to try to understand and make sense of, and the ethical ramifications are quite difficult to quantify.

However, that is not to trivialize what you’re experiencing. In fact many others have undergone the rollercoaster of disorienting emotional chaos that you are. Some are quite sane and reasonable about their own moral values and realize that your loved one’s interests bring them pleasure and aren’t hurting anyone else and should thus be celebrated. Some simply find their interests unusual, confusing and not easily understood and thus have a predisposition to viciously reject the individual. Needless to say this approach is counterproductive and creates hurt feelings and distance between the two individuals. So how do you, the person who just learned about their loved one, handle this information? The answer to this question will play a significant role in your relationship will play out in both the immediate and long term.

As hard as it is, be patient, and learn more. Find out more about what you’ve just learned:

• Be kind, patient, and understanding. Don’t laugh or make jokes. That definitely is not going to help. A little humor doesn’t hurt, but remember to be kind.
• Ask questions. This person has opened up to you and is ready to answer your questions.
• Seek additional resources (such as this one) and learn more about their interest from others. Most AB/DLs are nice people who would be happy to talk to you about what you’ve just learned. Like any cross section of humanity there will be some who are more mature and articulate than others, so try to find someone whom you can converse with at a comfortable level. Patient conversation sans interruptions from either party does an amazing job at diffusing potential for harm. There are also forums for spouses of AB/DLs where you can talk to people who have been through what you are now going through. I highly recommend talking to them and learning from their experience.
• Avoid condescending and dismissive phrases such as “This is just a phase” or “You’ll grow out of this” or “This is just a cry for attention”. Be polite and respectful, the person who has just shared this with you is feeling very vulnerable right now and the potential for (even unintentional) harm is very high.
• At core remember that this revelation doesn’t change who this person is. It’s just another facet to their multifaceted personality and compromises a part, but not the whole, of their personality and identity.
• The more sincere and concerted an effort you make to understand this aspect of them, the closer you will be to them. You’ll be amazed at how many resources are available on the web.

If you do find the conversation is difficult to have, take a 5 minute break (use a timer, oven timer, stop watch, iCal, or what have you) do something else then return to the conversation. It’s amazing what a little mental breathing space can do for keeping sane. But continue the conversation, until the two of you can embrace and remember that you love each other.

Also, remember the confidence in which you were told these things. While you may want to discuss this with someone else, ask the person first. Ask them, if it’s okay if you talk about it with whoever else you wish to before you do. Additionally, don’t discuss it with people who won’t keep it confidential. Unless you deeply trust that the person you want to talk about it with, don’t share this information with them. If you violate the trust of the AB/DL who came out to you, you may well never regain it and do substantial damage to your relationship with them.

In closing, if you find yourself needing to talk to someone, drop me an email.

–Lex

So a lot of us who enjoy diapers, baby play, or other non-mainstream, but nevertheless, exciting interests often keep our little lives a secret. We use anonymous names online, we may carefully feel out others who are like minded and sum the courage to perhaps meet them in person, and some go even further to go to munches or other group meetings. But, at school, at work, and even at home they keep their interest a secret. This secrecy is essentially a closet.

The problem with closets and these kinds of secrets is that one can’t easily obtain perspective and understand the effects said closet is having on their life. The paradox that one greatly enjoys something and is simultaneously ashamed or embarrassed by it is at the root of what it means to be closeted. Common symptoms of closet cases involve deep fear of those around them knowing their secret because they predict those close to them will wholly reject them. Additionally closet cases hide all aspects of their secret from the world and feel that they must distance themselves from anything that might hint at their interest. The argument closet cases offer is that their private lives are just that: private and none of anyone else’s business. This is a convincing argument for many people although there comes a level in a friendship or relationship at which point one’s friends or partner has reasonable expectation to want to know what’s important in said individual’s life. While perhaps there is no explicit contract between the two individuals there is an implicit understanding that holding back secrets is, in spirit, a sign of mistrust and in more extreme cases could be considered a betrayal of the friendship/relationship.

But what about the need to just have a private space to explore one’s interest? Perhaps one doesn’t know if they are -really- an AB/DL/furry what-have-you. Well, this is an interesting stage. It might seem premature to label oneself or proclaim in interest in a passing fancy. However there are certainly a few things to consider:

• How long have you had the interest?
• Does the interest represent an important part of you?
• Do you enjoy this part of yourself when you explore it?

If your answers tend to lean in the ‘yes’ direction, then you’ve probably found something more core to your identity than you might be willing to admit. The good news is, you’re hardly alone. As the internet continues to show us, there are lots of like minded individuals out there who enjoy all manner of things. However, you may certainly be the only one in your immediate circle of friends and family (at least that you know) and you may feel this is alienating and there is no way to explain your situation to others.

You may feel that your situation is unique and no others have tread this ground before you. You may feel that there may well be others who -have- comfortably come out of the closet about their AB interests, but your situation is uniquely different and with that you’re half right. Your situation is unique and your own, however the concept of coming out about your AB interests is hardly new. Additionally, while it may seem that it was somehow ‘easier’ for those who have done it, that’s a gross erroneous assumption. Everyone’s coming out story was a heavy cross to bear and often has a significant weight on their lives. The shedding of that particular burden is often very liberating for people and hence their ‘coming out’ story is a significant aspect of their development. This isn’t to say you should feel guilty for your own trepidation, but you should keep things in perspective (which is hard to do when you are the protagonist in your own life’s story). Coming out is a huge source of anxiety and fear for most people in closets. It’s natural and normal to feel awkward.

I highly recommend taking a deep breath and evaluating why your friends like you. If they like you for your values, your character, your strengths, and your commitment, then these are people you can talk to about what’s important to you and you should feel that you -can- share this aspect of your life with them. If you don’t feel your friends/lover appreciate you for good reason, then perhaps you have the wrong friends or lover. AB or not this is something to consider from time to time.

So let’s assume that you’ve opted to come out to your lover or friend… the decision to do so is a big decision and congrats to you for opting to do it. For those reading who don’t yet feel that sense of courage, give yourself time and perhaps you will. Although a key epiphany that came to me was that each day you spend in the closet is a day wasted that could have been spent better: come out now – not later; it’s good for you, your friends, and your lover. But let’s pretend that you’re ready… let’s say you’ve made the decision and now you’re just waiting for the ‘right moment’ or ‘when things are ready’. There is never a perfect time or place or situation. Life is chaos and always full of reasons not to do what needs to be done. Each day you do not come out about your interest is one more you’ve lost: one more spent in the closet versus one spent being free of that anxiety. But, at this point, I’m assuming you’re convinced of this and now you’re just trying to find the right [i]way[/i] to come out.

Here’s a few pointers on coming out.

• Find a safe place where the two of you and talk privately and openly. Make sure neither of you have commitments or obligations that would cause you to stop talking early. You should feel good about your relationship when you begin.
• Make sure other issues between you are calm. Don’t come out in the middle of another discussion, make it its own event.
• It is natural to be nervous to have your heart beat faster, to sweat a little, to talk quickly. Try to talk slowly and stay calm. It’s hard, but try.
• Communicate clearly. In our community we use lots of jargon (AB, DL, Furries, etc, etc, etc) avoid using jargon, spell things out very clearly and don’t use shorthand, abbreviations, jargon, etc. Communicate in language your audience will understand.
• Be empathetic. Try to understand what your audience is hearing from their own point of view, given their background, their education, their values, their interest in you. Talk -to- your audience.
• Be prepared for a lot of questions. People are naturally curious and (sadly) often judgmental. Be prepared to answer a lot of questions about the details of your interest. Be open, honest, and let them voice their opinions and concerns. Reward them for taking an interest. Lines such as “That’s an interesting question.”, “Glad you asked.”, “It’s neat that you caught that.”. Help them understand this part of you.
• Be proud. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. Don’t apologize for being yourself, especially when you are telling the truth. Explain that this aspect adds to your life and makes you happy. Try to explain that this part of yourself is important to you and makes you feel good.
• Be smart. You may run into people who simply refuse to understand who you are or what your interest really is. They make snap judgments based on poor information or anecdotes they heard somewhere. Make sure you are prepared to handle this kind of response.
• Keep perspective. Remember this is a friend who likes you for good reason. They have concerns, questions, or confusion, but at their core they are your friend. Remember that.
• Talk to like minded people. AB/DLs are generally supportive of one another. Tell someone else that you’re planning to come out, ask how they did it. Learn from other people’s successes and mistakes. Remember you can talk to us about these things.

Hopefully your coming out experience will be highly rewarding and you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. It can feel tremendous to no longer be closeted and to have a newfound bond with your friends and lover. Keep in mind though that you’ve cultivated a relationship/friendship with this person while you were closeted. Coming out doesn’t mean that your friend/lover is ready to jump head first into your AB/DL interests. They may actually be supportive of what it provides you, but not want to participate themselves. Realize that’s okay. They may change their minds, they may want to even try things themselves, or they may be perfectly happy for you to go play with others. There are lots of way they can respond to this part of your life, but don’t try to force them into a specific role. Let them find their own role and be respectful of their interests and boundaries.

Hopefully all will go well.

If you have questions or concerns about coming out as an AB, feel free to contact me.

–Lex

So it was this past December, I told my spouse about my AB side. I took a deep breath, opened with the quintessential line of “There’s something I should tell you…” and laid it all out on the line. Yeap, explained my interest in diapers, acting like a little baby… and… well, if anyone knows what I’m talking about it, it’s you guys. You know the scene with all it’s quirks, nuances, subtleties, and variations. Anyways, without delving deep into details and labels, my own particular leanings are on the AB side.

“December? Come on man, it’s been like five months since you came out, and you only played together recently? What gives?” I hear you cry. And it’s a good question. I mean with all the AB/DL stories I’ve read, I was led to believe that my ‘coming out’ (as it were) would have resulted in my partner immediately being completely into the idea, jumping into a caregiving role, and putting me in diapers 24/7 so I’d be permanently regressed to my AB role, and live happily ever after. Hmm… maybe I didn’t say the right things when I came out… or maybe I am just with the wrong partner… or maybe, just maybe reality is written in a different pen than fiction. (Typically a more permanent one.).

“Yeah, but still, I mean five months, before you played together. It had to be on both your minds since the moment you came out… I mean, like, how could it not be?”.

You’re a persistent little inquisitor aren’t you? But, you’re right, it was on both our minds, and perhaps by some measures it was a long time. But, certain things require paradigm shifting to new models that can incorporate new rapport. Think of it like this. Say you and your partner want to build a house, and you know from the get-go that your house needs to house a grand piano so you can pursue your passion for playing piano. So what do you do? You tell your partner, “Its important to me to have a place in our home for a grand piano.” and then you and your partner will plan, develop and build your home around your passion for music and this object. This is an example of being forthright about your needs and allowing the partnership to adapt to these initial needs. But, let’s hypothesize that you didn’t tell your partner your need for a piano and your passion for music. Let’s instead say you lied awake at night sometimes thinking about playing music on a grand piano and secretly played with one when no one was looking, and finally got to a point where you just couldn’t hold it inside anymore and confessed “I’ve had this secret interest and passion for a long time, and now I want to put a piano in our home.”. Let’s also say you have a loving, open minded and supportive partner. They’ll likely want to know more about this side of you, and will ask questions, try to figure out both what your passion is, as well as why you concealed it for long. You’ll go through the phase of discussing what pleasures you derive from your activity, what you love about it, how your partner can be involved (or not) and be supportive of that which makes you happy. But, the bottom line is, you want to modify your mutual home by bringing a big new thing into it. You could a) slap the new piano in the middle of the room with everything else sort of awkwardly pushed aside for this new object OR you could take a more organic approach and figure out how to integrate the piano into the flow of the home. Feng Shui so to speak. Which solution do you think is going to work better in the long term?

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still sounds like you’re making excuses for being shy about your interest in role playing as a baby, and not actually DOING it, after you said you wanted to.”

Ooooo, that hits home. Okay, fine, so it’s true! So I am shy about it. Come on, though, look at the circumstances. We’d been together for several years, developed a relationship around specific symmetries, asymmetries, love, trust, compassion, loyalty, kindnesses, etc, and generally the concept of being (relatively) intelligently, free-thinking, independent adults. I mean, we developed a sense of trust, where it seems natural and right to assume I wasn’t holding anything back, even when I was. I’m kind of ashamed of that… I didn’t have the courage to talk about my AB side. Am I embaressed on some level to admit that I like role playing as a baby, wearing diapers, using them, and all the details which that implies? Well… yeah. I enjoy talking on these forums, and with you all, because it’s safe. And yeah I’m kind of scared of those who don’t ‘get it’ finding out. On a practical level it could affect the kind of employment I could get, or be misinterpreted by legal authorities (something we all should be careful and aware of), but all practicality aside, I just don’t have that sense of ‘baby pride’ yet. I don’t have the “Yeah, so I like pretend I’m a baby, and I enjoy diapers. So what of it? You got a problem that?” attitude.

“Okay, so you’re shy, and you’re not ready to go tell the world about your AB interest, but think about it: This is your lover, someone you’ve been with for a long time, that you’ve already told about your AB side, and they were okay with it right? So, like, when you came out, why didn’t you just go get all diapered/geared up, and say ‘Hey check out ‘BabyLex.’. What’s the worst that could have happened?”

Well, I think the worst thing that could have happened would be that I’d have just loudly proclaimed that I wanted to radically alter the solid relationship we had. I’d have proclaimed that the ‘real me’ was someone else, and our relationship was a farce based on me pretending I was someone I wasn’t, that my partner had come to love and trust the person I was pretending to be, versus the person I am. My partner would have felt that I’d been living lies in order to come to THIS day, where I’d show my ‘true’ colors and what I ‘really’ wanted. But, it’s a gradient… the best case scenario would have been that my partner would have said “Yeah… I kinda suspected you had some interest in being an AB/DL, in fact I’m really glad you finally told me, because now that it’s out in the open, we can play with it.” Or the response could have been somewhere in the middle ranging from supportive and interested, supportive and ambivalent, supportive and apathetic, supportive but disinterested, or unsupportive altogether.

“Yeah, but that didn’t happen, you got a positive response… and you sure really are stalling when it comes to telling us about what your first playtime was like. So enough background, come on, get to the good stuff.”

Okay, okay, okay. And by the way, you’re the one who asked about why it took so long . So, over the course of our conversations about my baby side, (since I came out) my partner expressed interest in one day seeing me play, and possibly joining in. It was a far cry from “Dude, you should totally, let me change your diapers, feed you, and treat you like my little baby. I would love that, it would be completely awesome.” It was more like “Well, I don’t know what it would be like to play with you while you’re pretending to be two, but I’d like to find out.”. But, hey, it was interest… so I figured I’d take it. So while my partner was out on a bike ride on Saturday morning, I slipped into my baby role. Got on an abena x-plus (all creamed and powdered, etc), plastic pants, my onezie, filled all my baby bottles, got my stuffed animals out, got my nuk5 in my mouth, and plopped myself in front of a Care Bears movie. I just waited. I knew that eventually I’d be found watching my movie, and at that point, things could go any direction. I could get a quick look of “OMG, that’s a little too strange for me.” and be left alone to enjoy my baby time by myself, I could get “Awww, aren’t you the cutest little guy.” and have company or anything in between. Things worked out beautifully. We hung out and watched the Care Bears movie together for a couple hours, then tickled each other, rolled around on the floor, played silly peek-a-boo kind of games, and I’d share my baby bottles of apple juice. Eventually, I was tucked in for a nap, during which I went from being a slightly damp, to a thoroughly soaked little guy. As per my standard clean up ritual, I woke up from my nap (all of an hour of it), crawled into the bathroom, took off my soaked abena (which was falling off anyways) and climbed into a big bubble bath. When I finished my bath, I donned my street clothes (all adult like) and went about my day. That was about it. Great time.

“Hey, thanks for sharing. So what would you tell someone who was looking to play (as an AB/DL), for the first time, with someone they’ve known for a long time who isn’t (yet) into AB/DL stuff? Like a really good friend or a lover.”

Well, we all come from different backgrounds, but if someone is willing to play with you, and explore your interest in being an AB/DL, they obviously care about you.
* Don’t expect too much, and don’t let the fantasy stories about people who come out as an AB/DL and immediately have all their deepest secret desires come to fruition give you high hopes. Those stories are fiction. Set small achievable goals for playtime. Even something as simple as playing together for a few hours while you act in a certain way. Or if you talked about it beforehand, something as small and simple as a diaper change, or bath time, or something measurable and achievable. But don’t expect them to be a mindreader and to know exactly how to play with you.
* Be empathetic and realize that this person is trying something they likely haven’t considered or thought much about, and have zero experience with. Look for signs that things aren’t working for them, and then try something else. Even though you’re the one in diapers playing with a different side of yourself, your non-AB/DL friend is also a person who has likes/dislikes too. Keep their limits and comfort levels in mind as well.
* Be patient, be calm, and be proactive. Give clues, signals, and sometimes just outright verbal messages (even if they’re in baby talk ) about what you want, enjoy, and would make the experience go well for you.
* Go slowly. Be willing to take things a step at a time. Start with things that are most similar to regular, adult kind of things. Watching cartoons/movies, reading (kids) books, bubble baths, etc. These aren’t challenging activities that may help your non-AB/DL companion acclimate to your mentality and your AB/DL personality.
* Celebrate the successes. Find things they like as well as the things you like. Hopefully you’ll find some great overlap to work into part of a regular routine.
* Talk about it afterwards. Let some time pass, so you can both reflect on things, and talk dispassionately about what happened, what worked, what didn’t, what you want to try next, what you could do to make things that didn’t work, actually work, discuss their ideas, thoughts and feelings about their level of involvement, as well as your own.
* Say ‘Thank you’. Seems simple enough, but it’s amazing how many people neglect to express appreciation of the other person’s efforts. Your non-AB/DL friend just stretched themselves in an interesting and new ways, that they never have before, because they care about you, so tell them you appreciate it. It’ll mean a lot to them, and will (hopefully) encourage them to do it with you again.

“Seems basic enough. Thanks for sharing your experience, that’s how we become a better and stronger community, you know. We talk about what we did, how our experiences worked out, and offer tips and tricks to each other. It’s also great when people talk about their positive experiences and when things go well (as well as when they don’t). It’s encouraging and gives us hope that we’ll get to grow our AB/DL sides”

No problem, glad to help out. Well, I gotta get back to the lil’skool desk and get back to work.

A multiple personalitied post by,

–Lex (and some of the little voices in his head)